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When I moved into them instead, he was jarred and his full force blow found nothing where he thought I would move. I slipped beneath him and tapped him three times on his back before I backed away. He spun to face me and his eyes narrowed as he nodded.Coach was good. I'd finally sparred with Amy the last time she'd been at the ranch and I could identify similarities in their training. Both were aggressive, even though controlled. They carried the battle to their opponents, keeping them moving away and anticipating their moves. They also expected their opponents to fall back before their onslaught. When I stepped in front of Coach's feints to cut them short, it was taking the battle back to him and he began to fall back.It simply isn't possible to give a blow-by-blow description of sparring. In the first place, I'm not individually aware of the moves. I just move. But each time I had the advantage, I tapped Coach in the same three locations on his back. That's not to say he didn't. They'd say, "Sorry, wedon't waste our time on people who aren't completely sure. We alreadyhave enough patients on our waiting list who are sure. So... take a hike."All true. Nonetheless, I realized that this is perhaps the most majorall-or-nothing decision I've ever made in my life, and suddenly, I foundmyself questioning literally every decision I've made about my genderjourney. Even to the point of questioning whether they were in factdecisions at all, or whether I'd simply allowed myself to be carriedalong by some kind of thoughtless momentum, one step leading inevitablyto the next, and to the next, without stopping to consider their validityor rightness. It was a hellish week, believe me.In my previous article on my breast augmentation surgery, I referred tothe sudden fear and uncertainty I felt when confronted with the imminenceof the surgery itself, and how I wondered, "What the fuck am I doing??Why am I doing this?" Well, what I experienced this time was the samething, only.
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